In 2020, I decided I would write a book.
At that time, I had just quit graduate school, quit my first full time job, and was navigating the global pandemic with the rest of the world. Before it became a hot topic, I was deep into conspiracy theories --thanks birthgiver :D...and I began to spiral further. Eventually, I concluded NONE OF THIS MATTERS! and quit everything. Luckily, my existentialism and spark of life are equally strong, and in that state I decided to live out one of my wildest dreams: write a book.
Overall, the vibes were <<I have nothing to lose>>
At the same time, leaving my longwinded educational path meant I had to reconcile with who I was – outside of the validation I received from institutions. Writing my first book helped me uncover myself little by little.
I began my journey led by faith, self-trust, and a lot of youtube videos. I researched other writers process to writing a book, a process that was often very overwhelming, unrelatable, and expensive. Nonetheless, I started to collect all of my work over the last few years, and compile each entry into a single document titled "mariposa". I also took lots of notes of my process to eventually share with others. I was also studying to be a teacher – and quitting school would not rob me of that!
The process alone, of witnessing myself, was transformative.
Had I known others would actually read it, I may have been more guarded in what I shared. But I was not writing my book for others. Really, I just needed proof that I could do what I wanted, when I wanted, how I wanted. I was seeking permission to live life on my terms, and this book was the first brick to do just that.
Reading a couple years-worth of my most intimate thoughts offered me what I kept seeking in others: to be witnessed, held, and honored. In my poetry, I could feel the underlying sadness, grief, anger, and hope that I had allowed to create a home in me. I saw how alone I felt moving through life.
Simultaneously, I had the beautiful realization that I was creating new meaning of my experiences – by transforming them into art.
After creating my first draft
I reached out to an artist friend asking her if she would be willing to design my cover. We both had never collaborated on something like this, but trusted the process and each other. The result was better than I could have imagined.
Book Cover Art by Cihua Mazatl
Looking back, it is surprising I took that initiative and had the courage to ask for help. The process flowed, and magical angels appeared to support me through a huge transitional period of my life.
The biggest lesson from writing a book
- the necessity of giving myself the time, grace, and love, I was desperate to receive outside of myself
- people cared about me and were rooting for me
- reaching out for support and collaboration are always great ideas
- writing is my pashun
After self-publishing my first book, I did not:
- stop being depressed
- stop feeling anxious all the time about the state of the world
- identify or introduce myself as an author
- tell anybody outside of the two instagram posts
- actually hid it from my family (until someone spilled the beans--glad they did!)
It was really weird to own my accomplishment at that time. I did not even host a book launch ever for this book. Truthfully, I did not know how to express what this book meant to me. It took me six years to get to that point, right now on this digital page. So thank you for listening and witnessing.
I am so proud of myself.
Return Home is an autobiographical poetry journey of returning to childhood to recollect pieces left behind, the process of rediscovery, the liberation in surrender, and the final commitment to make a home within.
If you are curious, you can find the last few copies at the Chicano Park Museum in Logan Heights/ San Diego, CA.
